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Truly Calhoun

by Harry Calhoun

We all know that men and women are different. It's even been suggested that we are from two different planets. I think that most men are the equivalent of conservatives, politically. They never change, even in the face of rampaging truth. Women tend to be liberals. True liberals, because of their tolerant natures, tend to see the light of conservative views and sometimes temper their own beliefs as a result.

But I digress. This column is about equal rights for women. Not in the workplace. Not in the legislature. Not even in the sports world.

My friends, we're talking about vocabulary. Among other things.

The English language is still woefully male oriented. And I'm not even talking about bitch and bastard hardly being equivalents. The difference between a female dog and an illegitimate son is nothing compared to what I'm about to reveal to you.

Men and women alike have been cheated, which makes me somewhat more comfortable writing this. But pardoning my chromosome structure, let me start with a vocabulary slight that benefits women.

Why is it that we label a man who enjoys the company of multiple female partners (with or without the multiples' knowledge) a womanizer? I have no problem with this, but why isn't there a suitable term for a woman who displays similar behavior?

You know, the type of women I used to seem to attract - those who come completely equipped with leftover attachments to former lovers, quote-unquote friends, and a bevy of flirting partners.

By God, I find it only fair that we call a woman of this ilk a manizer. Perhaps she'd drink beer made by Manizer-Busch, a fitting counterpoint to the Miller pounded by real womanizers. The beer for barhopping babes.

I know that some of you would argue that we could call such a woman a ho, but that's a little less flattering than womanizer.

Women have suffered other vocabulary deficits. If a man has chutzpah, audacity, or unusually risk-taking courage, he's said to have a lot of balls, an obvious reference to his sexual anatomy.

Why is it that women displaying the same élan and dash - -or, perhaps, showing our perceived female counterpoints of compassion and caring - aren't referred to as having a lot of ovaries?

Sure. If a woman tries to get a refund from Byron's on a dress she's bought at K-Mart, I'd say she has a lot of ovaries. Or maybe she has a lot of ovaries if she gives me a massage after I've had a hard day at work. (Hell, I'm just thinking this up. You work out the details.)

To take it a step further, a man who consistently shows that he has a lot of balls (presumably more than two will do), he's referred to as ballsy. This fellow's entire anatomy is taken over by his testicles, and he's ballsy.

So tell me. Why isn't a woman who steadily acts admirably feminine called ovariesy, pronounced "over-easy"?

First man: "That girl's got a lot of ovaries."

Second man: "Yeah, she's overiesy. I'd love to have her phone number."

I'll admit that overiesy sounds like something you'd have at breakfast on Saturday morning, but it's still better than nothing. (Useless trivia fact: the term for a ballsy man who has three more testicles is "polyorchid." Don't say you never learn something in this usually pointless column.)

Besides vocabulary, there are other areas where things don't seem even. There those male-oriented taunts. You know: "He throws like a girl." Or, if you show emotion, "What are you, a woman?"

I may be venturing into virgin territory here, something I rarely do at my age. I don't follow the femmes into the bathroom when they mysteriously sidle off together, so maybe there are feminine insults to femininity that I'm not aware of. But I've never heard a woman say, "She wears makeup like a man."

I open this up to my readers. Do women say, "She replaces the toilet paper like a man?"

I have heard women use the biological fact of childbirth as an example of things a woman can do that a man can't. Hah. That's picking low fruit. Can women write their name in the snow or sand without a lot of unwieldy bodily contortions?

And is childbirth painful? Sure. But can women (and I thank Jay Leno for inspiring this thought) sit through every chuckle and nyuck-nyuck-nyuck of a Three Stooges marathon? Now that's tolerance for pain.

Still, I maintain, as I always have, that women are the superior gender. God created Eve after Adam because he thought he could do it right on the second try. Let's face it: if men are so perfect, why did God make their gonads dangle out there where everyone can boot them around? Why don't they just retract into their bodies like landing gear when they're not in use?

Other gender-related differences: women tend to drive in a style that invites fender-benders, while men bluntly steer their vehicles into head-on collisions. And speaking of going to the bathroom in tandem, why is it that if you're in a men's room and speak to another man, they immediately look down at the urinal and ignore you?

Oh, sorry. That's another column. Maybe next month.



© Harry Calhoun 2009


Harry Calhoun's articles, literary essays, book reviews and poems have been published in magazines including Writer's Digest and The National Enquirer. Recently, his online chapbook Dogwalking Poems and his trade paperback, I knew Bukowski like you knew a rare leaf, were published. The latter is now available from Trace Publications and on Amazon, Barnes and Noble and other online booksellers. He has had recent publications in Abandoned Towers, Chiron Review, Still Crazy, SNReview, Orange Room Review, Bird's Eye review, Abbey, Monongahela Review and many others. Recently, he was one of 12 poets invited to LiteraryMary's anthology, Outstanding Men of the Small Press.

Send Harry a message directly. For more from Harry visit the Word Catalyst archives. 

 

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