Pulp
                    Diction
                    
Robert
                    Hazelton
                  
                
              
              

                

                  

                    

                    
Whisper
                    Gap
                    
Jo Janoski
                  
                
              
              

                

                  

                    

                    
From
                    The Attic
                    
T. Owen
                    Stark
                  
                
              
              

                

                  

                    
Cheshire Cat
                    
Chronicles
                    
Rusty
                    Arquette
                  
                
              
              

                

                  


                  
Leftovers
                  Dan Beams
                
              
              

                

                  

                    
Songs of
                    
the
                    Soul
                    
Harry
                    Furness
                  
                
              
              

                

                  

                    

                    
Shirley
                    Allard Publisher
                  
                
              
 
            

            
 

            
 

            
 

            
 

            
 

            
 

            
 

            
Not Quite Right

            A Little Something For
            The Rest Of Us

            by Bob Church


            
 

            
Editing, Shmediting…


            


            
The Thought For The Day:

            
Gouging out your eyeballs and replacing
            them with olives for a Halloween party gag is pretty stupid --
            because everyone knows that real eyes don't have pimientos.





            I've long felt that editing is dishonest. After all, even God
            didn't get two chances at the Stone Tablets. I'm sure it required
            some extra thought on His part, and it's likely that He experienced
            a good bit of performance anxiety while composing the Ten Commandments,
            but, overall, it seems to have worked out fairly well, all things
            considered.

            
Of course, as mere mortals, we felt it
            necessary to edit them, to give them just that little bit
            of extra gusto that would show the world our extraordinary understanding
            of all things Holy. First, the Hebrews, then the Catholics, then
            the Protestants... it rather makes me wonder if Number Ten in
            the Catholic version, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's
            goods", and edited to "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's
            house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor his manservant,
            nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything that
            is thy neighbor's", might not be just a tad overstated.

            
I envision some fifteenth century devotee
            of Martin Luther, late one Saturday night, setting type on his
            brand new printing press, in his desperate attempt to fill up
            two full columns and meet his Sunday morning deadline. Who can
            say whether Martin himself didn't cut it from "Thou shalt
            not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant,
            nor his ox, nor his ass, nor his wife's ass, nor his maidservant's
            ass, nor the ass of the cute little servant girl who lives two
            doors down- the one with the bodacious boobs-, nor anything else
            that could be pawned for enough cash to buy some pleasures of
            the flesh or otherwise smacks of Catholicism". Do you see
            where I'm going with this?

            
Sure, it's irritating to constantly have
            to reconstruct a writer's faulty sentence structure, misspelled
            words and other grammatical faux pas. (Yes, I know it's singular,
            but I don't know what the plural is, and I refuse to go back
            and find out, it'd violate the premise of this entire piece.
            Sue me...) But, isn't it better for me to maintain a concrete
            (if misguided and somewhat cloying) posture based on the principles
            of editorial purity than to give in to temptation and adapt the
            loose precepts of Microsoft Word® journalism that offers
            me the opportunity to backspace every time I see a red or green
            line appear under one of my words or phrases? Such practices
            are the absolute beginnings of such atrocities as plagiarism
            and anarchy!

            
So... in conclusion, I beseech you, fair
            reader, follow my example: Do it right the first time, and you'll
            never be sorry. Eventually, you'll be as good at it as I am...
            and you'll have all that extra time left to drink beer and sit
            in the hot tub with your neighbor's wife (or 'neighbour's' wife,
            if you happen to be British), never once worrying that you've
            split an infinitive, fragmented a sentence all to Hell, or that
            it's a preposition you've ended a sentence with.

            
Now, go write me something pretty. So what
            if it ain't perfect, who do you think you are, God? Or worse
            than that, Martin Luther? Maybe someday, if you practice, you'll
            end up like me, working at First Draft Theater.

            
Bob Church©2008



            Bob Church resides in
            mid-Missouri with his wife of three decades, Louise, their poodle,
            Carla, and their cat, Callie. After thirty years spent raising
            five children, he has reached the point in his life that allows
            time to pursue his real love, writing. You can find more of his
            stories/observations at notquiteright/

            
Send Bob a message either directly
            or using the Word Catalyst feedback form. For more from Bob visit the
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            home.